New Kids On The Tekken Block

 

I played Tekken 6 a few days ago. It is so awesome, it inspired me to watch its movie version. Turns out, the movie sucks. It sucks so much, it inspired me to write a game review about Tekken 6, and totally forget I ever watched the movie at all.

 Tekken 6 is laced with a new array of characters, some with potentials, some are unsettling, and some are just plain retarded.  And for the first time, the game didn’t sacrifice any of those good ‘ol dudes who we had grown up for years. But let’s take a look the game's new recruits.

In the Tekken Universe, the people populating it are either:

1.       Monsters (imported from South Africa, Australia, Hell, etc.), 
2.       Marshall Arts Dudes (They know how to kick)
3.       Robots (that look like Marshall Arts Dudes)

With this, we can safely assume any new character will fall to any of these categories. Unless the developers come out with something new like aliens, ghosts, or demon-possessed piñatas. But while those guys decide on that, let's see what the new neighbors of Tekken's newest installment has to offer.

Let’s take a look with a new character aptly named Alisa Bosconovich. She’s cute. She has a pinkishly dyed hair, kinky purple short dress, and a lovely face. Looks like she is always ready to give you a few hugs and balloons in no time.

Oh Alisa. Thank you for the HOLY SHIT IT'S A HEAD!!!

But when she begins to fight, a different story unfolds. Yes, she’s good. With her blurring speed and over-arching sidekicks and she fights like there will be party right after. But somehow in the middle of the match she starts to jump like she’s flying. 
 

Yes, for all we know, Tekken's characters jump like they have metal wires on their backs attached to the Petronas Tower, or any tall structure for that matter. But hers is kind of different. She has this two pairs of metal rod sticking out of her back every time she does it! And it seems to give her the boost when she’s jumping. So Russian girls these days do that?


And those metal rods seems to resemble something I’ve seen before.

Ohh.. right..
 

And that’s not all. We expect the girl (actually I, since I'm the one controlling her moves) to finish her opponent (Law, actually) with a graceful roundhouse kick or a beautiful karate punch. But instead, I gave a nice, clean, uppercut. But hey, suddenly a long piece of metal stick out of her fist. It is so fast we failed to see what just happened, until the slow-mo comes-up, and, much to our horror, see what it is: a pair chainsaws.

Why are you even in Tekken? Go to Soul Edge for the love of God!!

I’ve seen many a violent features, bloody shows, torture movies, snuff films, and just about anything that will show gut and blood, but I’ve never seen such a horrendous act of forcing a chainsaw under someone's jaw.

He even never thought it would work.
 

In my opinion, the fight turned way too violent. And oh, did I mentioned she lost her head in the middle of the fight, and a new one suddenly sprouted? Really. Russians are crazy

And also, one of the new characters there is named Zafina. She is a complete mystery. We had so many questions about her. Where'd she came from? What can she do? Is she from Italy? Seriously, her name sounds like Italian cuisine, served alongside bologna, salami, and pesto primavera.

No. I ordered for a Zafina. Where's your supervisor?

But turns out, she’s a pretty good fighter. She can kick ass, despite being dressed like an exotic dancer (or she might really be an exotic dancer, we have no idea). She can do back fists and scorpion kicks.

She can also do this. Whatever it is.

She’s fast, her leg kicks and punches come from different places which will make you wonder she might have an extra limb hidden somewhere.

One newbie that has good potential there is that kid named Leo. Your average kid, in early teens, sporting regular jeans, collegiate jacket, and a scarf. 

So what? I'm the most stylish guy here... or girl, or whatever.

So is this a guy or what? I know you’re wondering, actually, the rest of the 3 million Tekken fans around the world are asking the same question. Except probably in Japan, where girls act like boys and boys look like girls. 

Japan's primary exports are animes, wagyu beef, and gender uncertainty.

Leo has a short hair, a feminine face, a gender-neutral style of clothing, a flat chest, a girl's voice, and a guy’s name. Which again, harks me back to someone I’ve seen on TV with the very same attributes.

At least he came out. Saved us the headache.

The Tekken 6 Official website (which Wikipedia will subsequently steal some information from), actually never made it clear about the kid’s gender. Yes, there is a three-paragraph description of the character, but it actually never used any of the gender-related pronouns (he, she, his, her) to give us a clue, but instead replaced it with the kid’s name like Leo was..., or Leo decided..., or  ...Leo's mother. It uses the kid's name ridiculously so much that it will be hard to forget his/her name again. Ever. 

Yes, I'm  Leo. I think I have a different name before...

The kid is good. Blurring speed, good counter attacks, and connecting combo moves, fighting his/her way to complete victory while being extremely confused.

Robert Richards represents the 10 million people of the world's entire population. Yes, he is obese, morbidly obese. He breaths heavily, holds on to his chest every fifteen seconds, and  kept a stringent diet of French fries, burgers, bacon, milkshakes, donuts, and probably infants.

Don't let the organic vending  machine flying kick y-... Aaww.

He might be a glaring warning intended for overeating kids, but Bob is more than an overweight guy. He's fast, if you know what I mean. He's what-hell-happened-he just-knocked-me-down fast, or I-just-woke-up-this-morning-to-find-that-my-company-is-not-mine-anymore fast. He's that fast. Quick moves, significant damages, fighting finesse, and combo's that can keep continuing until last remains of your dignity went out. Those are what define Bob. 

These also define him.

Probably the only reason why his character didn't make it to the Tekken movie is because finding a fat actor that can fight in Bruce Lee's speed is equivalent to making Paris Hilton do a non-pathetic, convincing acting. It's just freaking impossible.

At least now we know who inspired whom.

Now, let's go to the installment's another tender foot. Miguel Caballero Rojo is a guy who is probably from Spain, who is probably a bullfighter before, and probably knows how to fight.

A deleted scene from Tekken 6.

If you'll ask me what his fighting style is. Hell if I know. He fights like how your uncle will fight the guy he caught porking his wife. But hey, you can't blame Miguel. He doesn't freagin' have anything to do with any of this in the first place. He's just some Spanish guy whose sister was killed when the Mishima Corporation bombarded the church on her wedding day. Because you know, they really, really like explosions.

We haven't blown up any shit yet since five seconds ago. This is unacceptable.

So he joins the Tekken tournament, hoping to face Jin Kazama, and thus exact vengeance on those who are responsible. 

And all he got is Wesley Snipes.

But we can't downplay the guy. He's the only new character that made it to the Tekken movie, played by an actor named... no, we didn't even bother to find out.

Do you have any idea what untapped, potential talent this guy possesses? Neither do we. 

One character that interests me the most is this guy named Lars Alexandersson. Lars is the leader of the rebels who defected from the Mishima Corporation. He dons a red armor, a lion head protruding from his breastplate, a three-piece cape, and topped with a spiky, immovable hair, which makes us wonder how does the rebels take him seriously with that kind of costume.  

Lars, a few seconds before he joined his back-up dancers.

But it's not what makes him unique. The thing is, our first encounter with his guy is not even in Tekken 6. Let's rewind back the time to a few days ago, when we are trying our skills in that another addicting fighting game called Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 2.

We gave up on B-Wings.

Almost all of the main characters has been unlocked, from Ten-Ten to Neji to Teen Naruto to Pain, even Yondaime Hokage is drafted. But one final character hasn't been unlocked yet, and all excitement has been made due to this easter egg. Is it the First Hokage? Or the Second? Could be the Third? Sabusa? White Fang? All guesses. You name it, we've made it. 

We won't deny we actually hoped for her.

Finally , it is unlocked. Much to our surprise. 

Yes. It's Lars.

I'm Lars Alexandersson. And I don't know what am I doing heeeere!!!

Why the hell is Lars Alexandersson here? He is too gay to be in Naruto! (At that moment, we completely forgot the fact that Sai is in the line-up) 

He has this red dress and some yellow shirt under, and long hair tied into some crescent-like finial. 

What? I found geisha life boring. 

Is Lars a flamboyant ninja in his previous life? Favoring homo-erotic costumes? 

Turns out, he is bonus playable character and is a  part of a crossover with the Tekken franchise. So this dude is not really your average Japanese back-up dancer, but a recurring actor as well. We're hoping for his another appearance on the latest version of Tetris, he can serve as mortar to those falling bricks.

Quick! He's moving away!!

We're done with the good guys, I need to leave out Jack-6 from the list, because an old character with a new color scheme and a new number in its name is hardly new at all.

So let' take a look at the bad assess. We didn't get to play them. They're are just unlockable characters. Meaning these bad guys' only job is to make other people's lives miserable. Beating you over and over again until you question your own purpose in life.

Tekken had used an array of bosses in the past. Monsters, the dead, and  Satan. But with Tekken 6, they had upped the ante. This time, you're going to fight a god.

Jesus. It's Jesus, isn't it?

Meet Azazel. Part god, part demon, part mythical beast, and 150 percent menacing motherfucking bastard. 

"Azazel" is Hebrew word for "Shit bricks and die".

His array of kick-ass techniques include a powerful stun attack (similar to Jinpachi Mishima), and eye lasers (similar to Devil Jin, Devil, and Angel). He also appears to have the ability to summon boulders from the ground and set them on his opponents. He can also summon scarabs made of ice to attack opponents. So if you don't have the three years experience worth of playing Tekken prerequisite, you don't stand a chance against this 9-foot tall demon who for some reason knows karate.

We haven't formulated yet the perfect technique for Azazel. So here's a picture of boobs. 

And this demon is fairly good in using his techniques. Big damages (he will step on you), great blows (he'll slap you with fingers as big as your thigh), and destructive rolls (just imagine that thing rolling on you), plus a crushing depression due to defeat. The chance of surviving Azazel in one piece is as big as winning a fist fight with Chuck Liddell tomorrow.  

  

We don't know what to make up of NANCY-MI847J. She is an elephantine security robot made up of metal, moving parts, anguish, and probably screams of little children. Fortunately, she is only a Bonus Boss, available only in Arcade Mode and Time Attack Mode as a bonus round. 

Oh my God she's coming! Call the back up! And Batman!

  
So we can assume that the guys at Namco think that the only way to amplify the already fear-inspiring visage of a soul-less killing machine with weapons that waste human lives and metal hands that crush skulls crying for mercy is to aptly name it "Nancy".   

Nancy, a few seconds before you cried in agony.

Whatever it is, NANCY-MI847J is one heck of a boss, second only to Azazel in its ego-crushing evilness. you might say she fights in a very awkward manner and laugh at her. But she'll step on you, shoot you with guns. fire laser beams, launch rockets, and, as if she hasn't punished you enough, she'll smash you with it's five-foot-thick metal fists. By the time the Continue screen gives the countdown, you are already contemplating if at some point your parents had raised you very well.

Do I even worth anything?

Tekken 6's new dudes spells awesomeness in their own rights. Yes, the tenured ones are as great as they were, but these new recruits add more depth, brilliance, and spice to the already great and evolving storyline of the Tekken series.

And when I say great, it's the storyline that defines their six-year rule of being one of the greatest 3D fighting game franchise in the history of gaming. 

Which brings us to the question: Why, in their right minds, did they let that freaking movie come out?

Admit it, this could have been more cool.