If you're looking at this teaser, then why? Go ahead and read Only Human Second Part: A Guide On How To Become Batman. Or check out what you missed in Only Human First Part: Why Batman Is Awesome. 

Damn, what are you doing here? Go ahead and check Only Human Second Part: A Guide On How To Become Batman. Or read what you missed in Only Human First Part: Why Batman Is Awesome.

Why Science Will Kick Religion's Ass

DISCLAIMER: This article was written as a niece's request for their Science vs. Religion College-wide debate. Due to insistent public demand (and when I say insistent public demand I mean some person holding a steak knife to my throat), it was reformatted and republished to Nevermore Nonsense's style. This article does not reflect the author's personal views. 

Science will kick religion’s ass. If you don’t believe that, you’re either Eddie Long or Pope Benedict XVI, or both. If you can’t tell the difference between these two topics, you’re Tom Cruise.

There's no such things as God. Only aliens who came here a long, long time ago. 

Religion is only a device created by man to inspire fear and authority among other men, to combat his own fears that he can never understand, or a way to make sense of the world that seems to be devoid of explanation, like death, natural phenomena, or the origin of life (just like Tom Cruise and the other bat-shit insane Scientologists). In other words, religion is here so that we can be comfortable with our world, or worse, be in control with it (again, just like Tom Cruise!).

And they're gonna fucking rule this world (maniacal laughter).

While Science, on the other hand, is more systematized, more organized, operating on the principle of logic and reasoning, suspending belief until proof is provided, and most of all, involving long and careful investigation and research.

How research looked like back then.

Thousands of years ago, man relied upon religion and spirituality to explain things that he can’t completely understand. The earthquakes and storms were the furry of Poseidon, or of his sexually notorious little brother Zeus, for the Greeks. The eclipse occurs because Bakunawa, a huge-ass serpent-god of the Philippine mythology is devouring the Sun. And the sun’s rising and setting is attributed to Helios and a flaming chariot, or Ra and a heavenly beetle rolling the sun in the sky for the Egyptians. Explanations that were devoid of logic and sense.

Basically, ancient Egyptians believed that the sun is a big ball of shit.

Until Science steps in. Showing how the tectonic plates move and how the atmosphere constantly changes. Enlightening us how the moon will sometimes pass between us and the sun, causing this darkness that once terrified those who had seen it. And at the same time, explaining about the Earth’s rotation around the sun. Science completely abolished these gods, and crushed their religion that once ruled and scared the shit among ancient men. 

Also, Science came up with these. Whatever the fuck are these.

To quote renowned, and not to mention badass physicist Stephen Hawking, "There is a fundamental difference between religion, which is based on authority, [and] science, which is based on observation and reason. Science will win because it works." And presumably followed by "I know this because my brain can kick your brain's ass anytime, prick."  

Stephen Hawkings contemplating on nuking earth with Gamma Ray bursts.

And it indeed. In 1616, Italian physicist, astronomer, and kick ass stargazer Galileo Galilei came under attacks from the Roman Catholic Church because he supported and defended Heliocentrism, the idea that the Earth revolves around the Sun, because it goes against what the Bible say. Psalm 93:1 says that “the world also is established, that it cannot be moved.” while 1 Chronicles 16:30 states that “the world also shall be stable, that it be not moved.”, and according to Psalm 104:5, “(God) set the earth on its foundations;  it can never be moved.”. And also, Pope Sixtus XVI reportedly said that, "...the earth stayeth, as it hath been. Heard that, Galileo? You dickhole."  

Galileo thinking how the Church ranks in suckage.

And also, the Church believed that all the stars and the moon and the sun revolve around the Earth because the Son of God came down to this world to spread His religion, and therefore more fitting to be the center of the Goddamn Universe.

That means Galileo’s idea is a raised middle finger to the Aristotelian Model of the Universe that was being endorsed by the Church at the time, whose infallibility is both a human and divine authority. In short, at that time (and until now), the Church cannot be damn wrong. Fucking never.

He was accused and condemned by the Church for heresy, and was sentenced for imprisonment by the Catholic Inquisition, and then he was brought to house arrest up until his death, probably using his telescope to amuse himself during boring times.

She's taking it off!! 

Until last 1992, the Church, waking up to its senses, finally decided to give Galileo an apology which was already overdue by 376 goddamned years. In the end, reason triumphed over baseless and capricious assumptions.

One reason why the church can't be trusted.

English naturalist Charles Darwin never had a better chance either. His Theory of Evolution received negative feedbacks from the Church, basically because it went against what the Genesis Story of Creation had established. The Theory of Evolution states that life on earth developed or "evolved" from a lower class of species. In our case, we are a product of a long process of evolution from the species of hairy, ambling, and stinky apes.

How Darwin viewed Christianity. Probably.

While the Genesis Story of Creation established Man, which is Adam and Eve, as created by God and fully formed upon appearing on earth along with its other creatures. People at that time supported this theory of creation as more sensible and valid, completely overlooking the fact that this story involves a talking snake.

And holy crap look at that snake. No wonder they left Eden.

Also, at that time (and until now), the Church believed she cannot be damn wrong. And again, in 2008, the Church apologized for misunderstanding his theory. Still, sense and proof won over a heap of unproved stories.

Proof that Darwin is a racist.

And what does all the religion on earth, great and small, old and new, have in common, aside from the fact that they gravely hate each other?

They all think Tom Cruise is nuts.

Every single one of them has this concept of a soul, spirits, or ghosts, and ultimately, the concept of afterlife.You can hardly think of any religion without one.

Like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie without machine guns, it just doesn't exist.

This key component is a staple in all religion on this world. Why? Because it embattles that one thing you and I and all people in the world and in history had and will always fear: death.

Also, this oncoming movie. 

Through the concept of afterlife, people are being reminded that there will be something beyond death; a paradise, a lake of fire, a purging realm, some gigantic dog-headed guy, or even getting reincarnated. Each religion has its own version of an afterlife. All were designed to make their followers sleep better at night because they know they will survive goddamned death itself in the end.

Even if that means getting reincarnated as this insect that completely looks like shit.

It's fairly clear that it's one thing why Man needs a religion, whatever the hell the form it will take. There should be something or someone that he needs to have faith to.

And nothing proves faith to God than three-inches of bullet-proof glass. Right, Pope?

Though no single religion has ever presented a definitive proof that afterlife really exists. How about the existence of ghosts and spirits that touches our napes while we're inside dark haunted houses and abandoned buildings, you say? Well, actually, science had already cracked that one up, and the explanation is, surprisingly, more nerdy rather than scary.

Bullshit.

Most religious groups (read: Catholics) will often argue that Science has decimated more lives from the weapons that it has produced, bombs it has created and the experiments it has performed than anything else in history, and many more will die in its hands with the biological weapons it is creating in underground labs filled with mad scientists that diabolically laugh every ten minutes.

Lead by this guy.

But whoever hides behind in the mantle of this argument is completely ignorant of history, and therefore knows entirely nothing about a dark part in the history of Christianity, the Catholic Inquisition.

Also known as "The Inquisition", it is the Roman Catholic Church's operation to hunt down heretics, including supposed witches, non-believers, pagans, and boy band members so they can be subjected to countless tortures, punishments, and even execution, all probably while the Inquisitors tell dick jokes with each other.

The Inquisitors during one of their lunch breaks.

The Inquisition started about in the 12th century and lasted in the 18th Century, with the operations performed across Europe. Galileo's house arrest was a result of this, though he's luckier than the rest of the victims, who were whipped, stabbed, disemboweled, or burned at the stake. All in the name of the Church itself.

The Church is so proud of the Inquisition, she even bothered to commission a logo for it.

"Praise God in the Highest. Or we'll cut your nuts."

And how many people did it tortured and killed? One thousand? Two thousand, you say?

That's 6,000 people executed in this witch-hunting routine according to the Church, and most of them not even tried and proved of whatever it was they were being accused of. While most historians agree that at least 264,000 people were put to death during these times. That's two hundred and fucking sixty-four thousand, as many as the population of Barbados, or twice the number of people perished by the Atomic bomb at Hiroshima.

A clear view of how the Inquisition fared in body count.

Science alone could not kill, it's the men who use it to their advantage that does it. The people in the Inquisition, on the other hand, deliberately did those tortures and execution. It's not like someone held a steak knife to the Pope's balls and said "Ditch out those witches. They're becoming a shitty business". The Church purposely performed it, with free fucking will.

The Church: Dicking out with people since 1100's.

And you must be expecting at this point that the Vatican, this time holding conviction to this "cleansing" operation, will refuse to give shit and apologize for the victims of the Inquisition, and to all life-forms on earth it had ever hurt.

Heretics fuck yah!

You're wrong. On March, 2000, Pope John Paul II gave an apology to the "Jews, heretics, women, Gypsies and native peoples.", that were victims of this violence. It was a move that rocked the Church's supposed infallibility. But honestly, it's more morally logical than shrugging their shoulders off over the bazzilions of people that they boned only because they thought those guys were witches or satanists or vampires.

Today is a good time to bring back the Inquisition. And for Christ's sake bring it back .

Science has been in war with Religion for as long as history can remember it. It was a long and sometimes chaotic battle of wits and conviction, sacrificing lives and destroying reputations from both sides, shaping and re-shaping the world as we know it.

Also a source of Dan Brown's income and Tom Hanks' hairstyle redemption. 

But, as history proves, Science always come out with a lot more sense. When fast locomotives first came out, Church officials feared that we’re going against the speed limit that God set for us. When the airplane was invented, they said we’re not designed to fly. Even the Wright's Brother's father, in fear of tirade from the Church, expressed disapproval on his sons' achievement, exclaiming, "If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us wings!"

I'd say if God wanted us to fly, He would have given us airplane tickets!

But today, church officials travel by train and the Pope has his own freaking airplane. And the list will go on. Science completely crushed these gods, and abolished age-old myths and urban legends. And it will always do so, time and again.

And will always come out with things like Holy Shit What Is this.

If you liked that, check out Riddle of God, or find out why Batman is almost godlike in Only Human.